“Don’t Touch My F*cking Seat” & Other Rules When Flying

I know your goal this holiday season isn’t primarily to keep me happy, or any season really, but for the remained of this write-up, let’s pretend it is; for the [travel] culture. After a redeye then a very early morning flight from my layover with very little sleep because of crying children who wanted to bang on things and frequently open shades and their mothers who were unable to stop them, these popped into my head, in an attempt to make my future flights happy and to keep from telling another parent they’re “unfit to reproduce.” In my defense, it was 5am and it was the 2nd time her savage ass 2 year old headbutted the back of my seat.

1. Keep yourchildren’s hands, feet, head off all parts of my seat and my clothes. No, we all don’t think it’s cute that it’s baby’s first time on a plane. That’s your offspring, not mine. Hell, use the afternoon for flying with your child. People sleep less on those flights, but if you want a tip for flying with a baby, consider wearing a Black maxi nursing friendly dress to make it easier to nurse when your baby get hungry.

2. When you stand up, use your core for balance. Don’t grab the back of my seat to keep from falling. If you fall, you fall.

3. Moving walkways in the airport have very few rules, the main one being “Stand to the right. Walk to the left.” Move out the fu*king way while I walk to the left.

4. Keep any part of you from spilling into any part of my seat. You did not purchased 1/10th of my ticket, therefore you do not take up 1/10th of my seat.

5. Use the bathroom before you board. If I am in the aisle seat, and I fall asleep, do not, under any circumstances, wake me. I will do the same for you.

6. Greyhound is always an option for YOU.

Break any of these rules, and I will hate you and do everything in my soul to see you through to your death. However, as long as we see eye-to-eye on these, may our travels be beautiful and may the sunset on your side of the plane.

Darnell Lamont Walker, a self-professed traveling foodie, has been found sitting at tables eating baby goat sweetbreads, drinking tequila, and laughing loudly with strangers. The writer, filmmaker, artist, and sometimes photographer puts happiness above all.