Mykonos is for Clout Demons. Go, But Don’t Stay Long

Mykonos ain’t it. But you must take that with a grain of salt – which’ll likely cost you 50€ in Mykonos. Take it with a grain of salt because I typically dislike things the Clout Demons love, and yes, I do approach them all with an open mind. Well, everything except Madea movies. When it comes to those, my mind is closed tighter than gnat booty. For thought: I don’t like Vegas, Miami, Dubai, DC brunch culture, any of Yeezy’s footwear, or any version of the show Power. Just like I knew the flannel shirt, black jeans, red shoe, skull cap combo wasn’t for me when 90% of the club had it on, I knew when all the Clout Demons showed up to Mykonos a few months ago to take and post photos in mustard yellow asymmetrical dresses, flowy cobalt blouses, white linen wide legs, carmine heels and brown leather sandals with the toe strap that, for me, it’d be nothing more than a stop on my way someplace else. Arriving yesterday by boat, it took approximately 17.5 steps from the dock to realize I wasn’t wrong. Sebastian, my Colombian shipmate who’s been traveling the world for 5 months agreed.

To be fair, Mykonos Is beautiful from the water and from the hills. The town knows its angles. I give it that. I’ll always get googly eyes for stacked houses built up hills, slightly separated by narrow walkways that create mazes that are quite perfect for a good ol’ game of hide and seek or taking pictures of strolling couples. It took me two hours to walk every hill, figure out the secrets of the maze, and check off everything the locals told me to do and everything I found with the help of bloggers and travelers like me. Around every other corner was a white house with a deep-colored banister, balcony railing, or shutter and I’d smile and take photos like the lover of architecture and color I am. I made several circles before realizing I’d seen it all, even Salt Bae’s restaurant, and was unsure what I’d do with myself in the 3 hours I had left. I’d already turned down a 16€ gyro and 26€ calamari rings. Sebastian, after paying 11€ for two mangoes, threw his hands up, exclaimed Mykonos to be done, and went back to the ship.

Take all of this with a grain of salt, also, because I’m cheap. Unapologetically. You will not convince me a bottle of water and three cod fritters should cost 30€ because the ambience is nice. “You pay for the view” people get on my nerves.

Luckily for me, I’m not afraid to talk to strangers and ended up having a lemonade at a café with a Tuscan piercer who arrived in Mykonos three days prior for a seven-day trip gifted by family for his birthday. “Seven days,” I asked, my eyes probably popping out of my head, wondering if anyone could actually do that time here and not go mad. “Seven days,” he responded, sighing, picking up what I was putting down. Then he added, “and I feel bad for cutting it short since they already paid for it, but this is a place where people should only come for a day. No more than two if they love drinking and partying and need to recover from a hangover.” I couldn’t say “exactly” fast enough! After my 10€ lemonade, I said my goodbyes, exchanged instas, and made my way through the same alleyways, down the same path.

“The people don’t tell you how dirty this place is, do they,” a stranger asked while handing me her phone to snap a few photos of her in front of a broken windmill. “Condoms, cans, cigarettes, and bird shit everywhere,” she said. “I guess we missed the real fun,” I told her. We laughed and I made my way to the man calling me over to his shop to look at the two Rolex watches in the window. “For you, 400€,” he said. “The Senegalese brothers in New York will sell me this very one for $95,” I told him. Glad I could make him laugh. He looked like he needed it.

This is not to suggest you shouldn’t go. Shein, Fashion Nova, leather sandal boutique owners, and Goodwill are waiting for you. Alien Superstar hasn’t yet been overused on insta. Meg, Cardi, Drake, and Gunna lyrics are waiting to be captioned by the one and only you. Go, take pics, get the clout. Just don’t stay too long. A full day, a little bit of night, and a few hundred euros in your pocket is all you need.

Darnell Lamont Walker, a self-professed traveling foodie, has been found sitting at tables eating baby goat sweetbreads, drinking tequila, and laughing loudly with strangers. The writer, filmmaker, artist, and sometimes photographer puts happiness above all.