13 Things This Flight Attendant Hates

“Fucking a flight attendant,” she told him, laughing and trying to drink the rest of her Orangina at the same time, “is no different from fucking a waitress if you’re not getting any flight benefits out of it. Hell, fucking any woman with a job. Stop taking pride in the wrong things.” I laughed, too, and when he walked off, ego hurt and saddened, I walked over and asked if I could interview her for Passport Required. She told me it’d be cool as long as I don’t use her name, and as long as no one new she was a Flight Attendant for American, or Delta, or Southwest, or whoever she works for.

She gave me 5 minutes.

Me: Give me 10 things every passenger should know Flight Attendants hate. Be candid. Your name will not be published.

Her: Oooh. Give me your email, and I promise to send you a list by tomorrow. These are things I need to think about.

She told the truth. I woke up to this:

1. I do not give a shit about the seat in front of you being reclined. Because it’s a function on the seat, there is little I can do to help you in resolving the issue.

2. Go to your seat when you get on the plane. Do not go to the bathroom until we are in the air and that seatbelt light goes out, you weak bladdered bastard.

3. Anything other than a normal amount of body odor: too much cologne, too little deodorant, feet!

4. Duct tape your kids to their seat. Letting them run the aisle will cause me to accidentally slap the shit out of them when you aren’t looking.

5. Do not hit on me to fulfill your daddy’s flight attendant fantasies. I’ll just assume you want my flight privileges and my best friend already has those.

6. If you sprinkle when you tinkle, be a sweetie and wipe the fucking seatie.

7. Yes, I know…your food tastes like shit. I have to eat the same meal you’re eating. Suck it up.

8. You knew your carryon was not going to fit, you cheap bastard. I wish I could charge you when you board.

9. When you see me walking down the aisle with my trash bag, give me your garbage. Do not leave it in the seat pocket, or I will find you, and I will kill you.

10. Make sure you entire body is confined to that small space the plane allows. Your arms and feet in the aisle will only get your mad at me when I spill this hot coffee on your chest.

11. I do not plan to lose my job by breaking FAA rules just because you booked flights close together and you need to get off the plane quickly.

12. Find your own damn window seat or stay in the middle seat God chose for you.

13. Stop talking and texting when I tell you to! Please don’t make me repeat myself.

She stopped there. I messages her one last question, “What’s the worst thing you did to a passenger who made you upset?” Two days later, she responded, “let’s just say, if you ever piss off your flight attendant, at least a couple of the ones on my airline, do not order a drink that’s isn’t prepackaged.”

Happy flying. Treat your Flight Attendants with respect.

Darnell Lamont Walker, a self-professed traveling foodie, has been found sitting at tables eating baby goat sweetbreads, drinking tequila, and laughing loudly with strangers. The writer, filmmaker, artist, and sometimes photographer puts happiness above all.