“How to Hoe Safely” When Traveling

If you’re going to have sex while traveling, or hell, even domestically, be able to say things like “I think it could be gonorrhea or chlamydia...”

There are few things more uncomfortable than waking up in a hotel room in the middle of the night in Cambodia with genital discharge and no idea when, where, or how this happened. No no no, not me, but a friend, but luckily for me, he’s allowing me to share this story and the moral. Let’s call him Reid.

One of the benefits of travel is it allows many folks to work on their sexual bucket list. Ah, we’re pretending we don’t know what the bucket lists consists of, eh? Or what it is? Well, since we’re not about modesty here at Passport Required, I’ll get this conversation started. Here’s one of the items remaining on my bucket list: Under 4’8” tall.

Let me mention, this is a no judgment zone.

While fulfilling life goals, Reid scratched up the wrong pole and ended up desperately needing a translator, a local phone, a couple of pills and a shot in the ass.

I had a job a few years ago working with prostitutes, and I would always tell them, “I’m not here to tell you to stop hoeing, I’m here to teach you how to hoe safely.” So now I give those words to you.

Moral, or lesson, or whatever I feel you should take from this:

1. If you’re going to have sex while traveling, or hell, even domestically, be able to say things like, “I think it could be gonorrhea or chlamydia,” or “I had sex with a stranger and now I’m seeing strange fluid” in the local language.

2. Download an app that allows you to make international calls over wifi. I use Talkatone. It’ll save you time and energy.

3. Find the free clinics, if they have them. Everywhere should.

4. Always protect yourself as much as possible, knowing you’re never 100% protected.

5. Come to terms with possibly not being able to complete your list.

6. Make sure your emergency contacts are updated, just in case you meet up for sex in some strange alley and end up chopped up, under a bed in a seedy motel room.

7. Enjoy it!

Reid is finished scratching & scratching off his list and now has a strange story to share with the wife, kids, and grandkids he’ll one day have. And here I am, still looking through Tinder for a little woman in this big world.

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Darnell Lamont Walker, a self-professed traveling foodie, has been found sitting at tables eating baby goat sweetbreads, drinking tequila, and laughing loudly with strangers. The writer, filmmaker, artist, and sometimes photographer puts happiness above all.
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